| Shrove Tuesday is on the 16th February this year so that will make it a Wednesday | Couldn’t possibly attribute this one |
| It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission | Jon Buckle |
| If you think training is expensive, try ignorance. | Roy Kroc American businessman who joined McDonald’s in 1954 and built it into the most successful fast food operation in the world! |
| If the fence is strong enough I’ll sit on it. | Cyril Smith |
| So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work | Warren Buffett |
| There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge | Issac Asimov |
| Better late than…. pregnant! | Pamela Savin |
| Go to the right places, do the right things, finish what you start. | David Snowball |
| God created the world but the dutch created The Netherlands | The dutch themselves |
| The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. | Henry Ford |
| Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia | Joseph Wood Krutch |
| Everyone here brings happiness… Some by arriving.. Some by leaving | Anonymous |
| You’ve been with Susan for a year now… Either you think you’ve got a future or you should just get married | Steve Moffat: Coupling |
| There are only 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don’t. | Gary Burgess |
| The english never draw a line without blurring it | Winston Churchill |
| If all roads lead to Rome… How do you get to Grimsby? | Steve Ward |
| Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be | Frank Ormesher |
| I am to computing what King Herod was to child care | Steve Ward |
| My mother told me that to keep a man you need to be a maid in the lounge, a cook in the kitchen and a hoar in the bedroom. I told her I’d look after the last one and hire the other two | Jerry Hall cited by Phillip Hudson, Ta la |
| I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember | Steve Ward |
| 99% of women drivers give the rest a bad name | John Cross |
| Borrow money from pessimists…. they don’t expect it back | John Cross |
| If at first you don’t succeed…. destroy all the evidence that you even tried ! | John Cross |
| Life is like a box of chocolates……. I just have a box full of coffee creams | John Cross |
| Cobblers to the gentry | A pub sign depicting an old advert for cobblers, Derby Arms |
| It takes no courage to sleep with an ugly woman, just the price of a bottle of whisky…. it takes no courage for a woman to sleep with an ugly man, just a sense of humour | John Cross |
| Accepting a drink off a beuatiful woman is like.. well accepting a drink off a beuatiful woman | Swiss Tony.. er I mean the Man with No Name |
| If you touch it you have to eat it! | Me to Gill W after she tried to put back a star mix into the bowl |
| Diapers and politicians need to be changed regularly and both for the same reason | Mark Twain |
| It’ll only take a minute… thats why its called stir fry….hmmmm? | Politics forbids me to state who the originator of this is! |
| I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. | George Best |
| Life is too important to be taken seriously | Oscar Wilde |
| The only man to have his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe | Anonymous |
| A woman’s place is in the wrong | Ged McIntrye. |
| Madam, I may be drunk but in the morning I will be sober. You on the other hand will still be ugly! | Winston Churchill |
| If someone does not smile at you, be generous and offer your own smile. Nobody needs a smile more than the one that cannot smile to others. | Anonymous |
| All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players | Jaques in Act II Scene VII Line 138 Shakespere’s As You Like It |
| Shes not the brightest button (not bulb!) in the box | Politics forbids me stating the originator of this but the irony is so funny |
| I used to be Snow White but I kinda drifted | May West |
| I have many faults but being wrong isn’t one of them | Sign on the wall in the White Lion pub, Glenridding, Lake District |
| Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean I’m wrong | Mark Shaw |
| I’m very famous… its just that nobody knows me | The Famous man, Aziz Gültekin, and a fab waiter at the Bacchus restaurant, Mamaris Turkey |
| Life is just a Sexually Transmitted Disease | Mark Shaw |
| The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them | Sue Valentine |
| The Continentals have sex. The English have hot-water bottles. | George Mikes |
| No-one succeeds more than a toothless budgie | David Nixon, my O’level maths teacher |
| Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. | David Walker |
| A loving wife will do anything for her husband except stop criticising and trying to improve him. | JB Priestley |
| Its better to remain silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. | Anonymous |
| I’m not lazy, i just dont do anything I don’t have to | Toby Hills |
| If it makes my eyes water I won’t put it in my mouth | Gill Wrigley |
| No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent | Eleanor Roosevelt |